Spring is here

My house is super quiet. My husband is taking a nap and the toddler who reluctantly went into his room, somehow found his way under his covers and is fast asleep. I tried to nap as well, but I am a bad napper. Always have been. My mind can’t seem to calm down enough to do so. Too many to do lists going on in that head of mine and I need to think about that stuff. After 20 minutes of trying to sleep, I got up and took the most awesome shower ever. It’s a great feeling when you know you can have the bathroom all to yourself for 30 minutes. No barging in, no asking me when I will be out, no peeking in the shower to see what I’m up to…just solitude. And I love taking a shower. Actually my idea of heaven is a sunny bathtub. If I could just find a house that had a big beautiful bathtub right next to a sunny window, I would be one happy gal.

We are in the process of selling our house. It’s the beginning stages, but we are figuring out what we want to clean up, fix up or forget about to get top dollar. There isn’t much to do, small cosmetic touches at this point, to get the house ready. It’s just getting it ready that is the hard part. I am having some conflicting feelings about selling. This is our first home. We have lived here for 13 years. We put so much love, sweat and tears into this house, especially in the garden (my favorite) that I go back and forth about selling. I want someone to love the garden as much as I do, I want someone to take good care of my peonies and roses and all of the little cottage touches we so lovingly added over the 13  years. I told my husband that if/when we sell, I can’t go back and ever look at the house. I will most likely cry. I don’t want them changing the paint color (charcoal gray) or the funky door (persimmon)—there is a whole other door story here.

OK, fine SIDE NOTE: 4 years ago I was feeling VERY depressed about never having a child and my husband was trying his best to uplift me every chance he got. We decided to give our front door a new look, so I picked out Orange, no Persimmon, at least that is what the color swatch said, and hoped that painting the door and adding some new flowers outside would make me feel a little bit of brightness. He took the door off the hinges, got me all settled on some saw horses and brought me every tool I would need to strip the door of it’s ugly burgundy color. I get a little methodical and nit-picky when I do projects, so stripping this door was a b*tch to say the least. The prior owners (since 1962) had painted this door every color under the sun. Stripping, sanding and scraping was pissing me off and I let everyone in the neighborhood know about it. After finishing one side of the door, I decided that the other side looked sort of cool how it was worn away and sanded and wanted to keep it as is. It was the interior portion anyway, so in my mind it was a conversation piece and I am not into typical or traditional–so it stayed. The exterior was scraped and painted and looks awesome. During this whole time my poor husband left me alone. I was not fun to be around. Pissy was my middle name and I didn’t care who got to see it. My poor neighbor/friend came over to see if I was OK (I think my husband might have asked for a pity check in with me) and I burst into tears. I was angry, livid really—hot, my cheeks were on fire and more angry. No explanation for all of this anger, but she understood since she had issues with her girl parts and we had spent hours commiserating over feeling like less than women since we couldn’t bear children. We chatted for hours that day, she from the safety of the opposite side of the fence, and me with paint brush in hand. I cried for hours, she listened. The sun was shining and it was absolutely beautiful outside. I remember questioning myself–why in the world could I be so pissed off when it is so absolutely beautiful outside and my life is so good. Oh right, I can’t give my amazing husband a baby.

Well…the pissiness never went away. In fact, extreme exhaustion was added to it and nausea. The notion of being pregnant never entered my mind. I had taken 400 pregnancy tests in the past 10 years and not once had they been positive so why would it be now? I took one. It was positive. I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop shaking. I ran to the phone and called my husband and he told me to take a picture and email him right then and there. I did. Then he told me to take another picture, just to be sure. And on top of that–he wanted me to take another test to make sure. I did. It was positive.

That was the weirdest day of my life. For being so angry all the time, I finally felt some happiness. Such a bizarre feeling. Your body being controlled by someone else, all of your emotions, your ability to keep your eyes open, your appetite…such a weird feeling. I would love to say I will know that feeling again some day, but I am no spring chicken and our perfect boy is a miracle. I would love a little girl for him to watch over, but time is not on my side and my body is a difficult one to get pregnant. The only thing I can do is move on, make the right decisions for my body, be healthy and love myself and family as much as possible. I am trying to do that daily.

So I suppose right now while it’s quiet I am doing the best thing I can with myself, spending time alone and sharing some of the most important parts of myself with you-whomever you may be.

 

Long time no see

Hey everyone. Yes..I am still here. I am still living and loving the plus size life. It just so happens that I have been working hard behind the scenes to go in the right direction to make this a full time gig. Building up contacts, saving up some money and deciding just when to make things happen. I am still not sure when that will happen, but I am closer and feeling like I have serious ants in my pants (and I need to dance).

Thank you to all or any who have continued to come back here waiting for an update. It’s much appreciated and trust me, I hope that you can continue to stick around. I want to dazzle you, I really do.

So what is new in my world? Well, I have a very busy 3 year old who is keeping me on my toes and I love every second of it. I would love to spend more time with him, but that’s not in the cards at this point in my life. Money dictates much for me, so working at my primary job to pay the bills and save up money it is until I have either a winning lottery ticket, a lot of money inherited, a really big raise or I just don’t care anymore and we live on rice and beans (hey it’s gluten free) for a few years.

Speaking of gluten free–I am doing something scary. Doing a 28 day elimination diet/cleanse. This one is going to help me restart my system and hopefully clear out any cobwebs. I have been wanting to do this for several years, but I didn’t know what a cleanse even entailed nor did I understand that cleansing isn’t really just about drinking juice and kale for 28 days (massive diarrhea). I have been reading all of the literature I received and I meet up with the nutritionist next week to sit down with my list of ailments to figure out if anything is a red flag right up front. I am always trying to be healthier and losing weight–yes–losing weight people. I can’t tell you that I am at my ideal weight, which is in all honesty around 165 pounds. I am just shy of 5’8 (don’t tell my drivers license that) and I know that in all of those science or health books (books? who reads those anymore–I mean websites) I should probably weigh like 130 pounds or less, but it won’t happen folks. It really won’t. For one thing, I don’t know how to consider myself “thin”. For second, I like curves. I really, truly do. I like being a curvy, sensual woman. I also love throwing the medias idea of beauty on it’s ear and proving that a woman with wide thighs, curvy hips, extra padding in the tummy and large breasts is not only desirable, but extremely beautiful. I am not tooting my own horn here, I am just saying that this is what I find desirable about myself. When I weighed 145 pounds (and thought I was grossly obese) I felt so unattractive and certainly not sensual or desirable. When I gained 25 pounds I started to notice men more, their stares, their second glances. I really began to understand how to carry myself, dress my body, accentuate all of my positives and learn to flaunt what God and my Momma gave me. I learned that not all men (or women) are attracted to the same “perfect” size 2 body type in all of those magazines and that confidence was often found in women who were size 12 or higher and those girls (models) that are a size 0-2 are normally the worst offenders of body shame. We all have a body part we dislike and the faster we learn to love that part the faster we are to shining from inside out.

Last year I spent most of that time working with a beautiful woman who taught me to see the amazingly bright, bold, sunshiny light within instead of the flaws in the distorted mirror in my mind. I learned to meditate, I learned to love, I learned to live. I cried a lot, I fell in love with her daily and found a very deep hole inside of myself that needed to be healed. I knew I couldn’t heal that hole with a diet. I knew I couldn’t heal that hole with someone else loving me. I had to figure out why the hole was there in the first place and just fill that hole every single night with beautiful, calming, light filled love. And trust me, I am not a hippie. I am not a fan of granola, patchouli or hugging trees. I just had to find something, anything to make me ‘happy’. Losing weight was not going to make me happy. Losing weight will make me proud. Proud that I got myself back to the weight where I feel most sexy and healthy. That is it. I don’t need to wear a bikini and appear flawless in a mirror. It won’t happen. Childbirth and years of abusing my own body have left me scarred and misshapen–but that’s OK. It really is. Perfection is not looking like a Barbie Doll. I still have to remind myself that absolutely no one on this planet looks like one. Even if I did find one woman who did (in my own mind) she would quickly show me a “flaw”.

So this year– 2013 is to showing off my big beautiful sunshiny light. I want my son to see how beautiful his mother is, how confident she is, how she holds her head high, laughs a lot and loves even bigger. I am cleansing to be healthy. I am cleansing to make myself more aware of what I am feeding my beautiful body with. I am cleansing to feel alive. To feel pleasure when I eat, to feel freedom from dieting. I am cleansing so that my body tells me what it needs and I actively listen to it. I am cleansing to clear my head and my heart. I am cleansing to live.

So–thank you all for reading and feeling whatever words I put on this page. I need to put this out there into the world so that everyone knows and understands just how important it is to be absolutely proud and in love with yourself. I am trying every day. It’s time to live life with love. Bright sunshiny love.

Ugh

Oh man what a week. No desire to work, workout or eat well. This happens to me every few months and I ponder taking medication to help with the ever do needed “pick me up”. I try everything except antidepressants and now I wonder if I should dive in instead of fumbling through these really dark and murky waters. Ugh. I am so over this. I have been struggling with depression and ridiculously unrealistic expectations of myself since I was 11. Where in the world does this come from? How is this learned? Is it purely chemical? So lost people…I really am.

Please go buy this

For those of you that know me well, I am what you would refer to as beauty junkie. I covet new beauty products like a crazy person. I also obsess about skin care items and the next best thing to make myself look 13, uh I mean 25 versus the 37 year old lady I have become.
Some might say I don’t really look 37, whatever 37 looks like…or some might just say that I have nice skin and few wrinkles. Genetics? Probably, but I also inherited a nice case of Rosacia. My skin looks like I was caught climbing to Mt Everest and back without any cheek protection when I am sans fards (aka makeup free). I lit up like a red light district light bulb when I was embarrassed in school as a kid, no keeping my cool…it was written all over my face, so to speak.
Over the years I have tried everything to get rid of it, gobs of La Mer, Dermatologist prescription creams and any new product out there that claimed to help. I didn’t care how much I had to spend as long as I could go concealer free in public and look age appropriate. I finally caved and bought the Clarisonic Mia, and not because I had faith that this would finally be the answer to my skin care cries, but that it was cute and pretty skinned people were telling me I needed one pronto. So I did it. I have used it for over a year now and my skin is significantly softer, less breakouts, less obvious fine lines and yes, less redness.
The bottom line of this post? Go buy it. And yes…I am not afraid to admit that I watch infomercials at night. I was watching QVC last night and I found this gem of a deal. Now, mind you I already have a Mia, so I don’t need another one, and yes I have tried with all my might to convince myself to buy the Clarisonic Plus so that I can make my body look awesome too…but I just can’t justify it and I don’t need it. But maybe you do?
Go buy it and believe the raves. Give it some time, but trust me…you will see a difference. If you want to bump up the awesomeness factor of redness removal then buy this face cream: Pomega Healing Cream. I don’t think I will ever use another face cream again as long as this keeps doing the trick.
Want more tidbits?Birchbox

This is how I found my Pomega, and used points to buy it! RAD! :)
So lovely ladies out there and gentleman (my husband who so faithfully reads this), try out the QVC Mia deal and thank me later!

13

This  might sound odd, but I can’t stop thinking about being 13-15 years old. I remember hating it so much at the time–but I miss the innocence. The drama (ok sort of miss that), the excitement the newness of everything. Not that current life isn’t dramatic or exciting..its just that now I am an adult and I feel the weight of being one. I know I can’t do irrationally impulsive things, I can’t throw dramatic fits of rage because my hair doesn’t look cute ( well, internally they still exist) and I can’t feel that overwhelming sadness over wishing I was a singer or movie star. I don’t want to be a singer or movie star, wait…I guess I wouldn’t mind being one. But when you are 13 that is pretty much what you want to be. You long to look like the girls on tv, you yearn for the days when you will be old enough to do those worldly things and then one day you realize, hey guess what? I am 37 and I didn’t do those big dream things that I wanted to do. I did the wonderful things that I wanted to do and sometimes take them for granted– :( Boo. I fell in love with the most amazing man at age 22, found a safe and sensible career path, had a beautiful wedding, bought a great little starter home and had a perfect baby. As I type this I think I know what is going on inside my head…I had a baby.
Wait, let me explain this more.

We struggled to conceive. I have had issues most of my life with my menstrual cycle and it became more and more bizarre and illusive over the years–those children baring years. When we finally decided we were ready for the next step–we were disappointed it wasn’t happening. We went through all of the fertility issues and drama that you read about and it was extremely intense, dramatic, emotional,draining and scary. But it sure did keep me on my toes emotionally speaking. It felt like a movie sometimes with how our conversations would go and how things would play out. It almost felt unreal. Like it was scripted. I still felt like I was 13 watching this play out on the big screen.

After several disappointing tests and no’s from the Dr, we decided it was best to take a break. Our path was now not on getting pregnant, but living the best life we could. Which was exciting. We were trucking along when suddenly I got pregnant. I was shocked, confused, excited and then there it came…angry.

Yep. Angry.

I know I don’t tell a lot of people this. I don’t want to be judged. But here it is, honesty. So judge away judgey heads.

I was finally doing some new things and felt like for once I was living my life outside the box. I wasn’t doing anything dramatic yet–but moving towards it. I was ready to go skydiving, travel to Europe and buy that convertible that I always wanted. I was ready to move down a path that I suppose I knew all along I really wanted, but was afraid to go down alone.

So now, I am pregnant and I for sure can’t be selfish and do whatever I want. No way. I have to be a mom and protect him and make sure everything is amazing for him. Not for myself.

This is where the “I miss being 13″ comes in.

I miss being young. But at the same time, I wouldn’t trade any second of my life that I have lived to get me to this exact spot–sitting here typing this to the world to read. I have learned quite a bit about myself and realized I am so much more amazing and beautiful then I could have ever imagined at age 13. I don’t necessarily mean physically…no. I just mean that why in the world does it take 25 years to finally like yourself? Perhaps that is why I long to go back and  be 13 again.To do things differently for myself. Spend less time worrying about the way my hair looked, spend less time obsessed with the reflection in the mirror and all the flaws that I imagined. I wish I could go back and hug that girl. Tell her how much I love her and how smart and funny she is. How growing up doesn’t mean being boring or losing yourself. Growing up doesn’t mean instantly making a ton of money. Growing up doesn’t mean “finally I am beautiful”…you were all along. I wish I could tell her to stop wasting time wondering if she is in fact pretty. I wish I could go back and tell her to stop being afraid of everything. To stop being scared that people would judge her and wouldn’t like her anymore. To stop focusing on the negative, to stop living life with blinders on. To realize that life is not like the movies–that the actors themselves feel the same way she does-confused and scared. That photoshop is running rampant in every magazine she reads. That the pain will go away. That the hatred she feels for herself isn’t real. It’s her fear talking. To tell her that it’s ok if she doesn’t know the answer in class, it’s ok if she makes a fool out of herself, it’s ok if she falls in love with people who turn out NOT to be the one she spends the rest of her life with. That she is going to be disappointed by more than one friend. It’s all ok. She will become a much stronger and honest person for it. She will surprise herself by how intelligent she really is. By how intuitive she is to other peoples pain and how she can empathize easily with others. She will learn that being an amazing person isn’t looking runway ready–it’s helping someone who is ready to throw in the towel. It is knowing that  another lovely soul is hurting and she can listen. It is knowing deep inside she made another person finally see the shiny, bright sunshine within. She will learn that laughter is one of her true passions and there will be some awesome people to share that with her. She will understand just what it means when someone else falls in love with her. She will know they are being true. She will love all the imperfections in her life. The messy house (created by a small little blonde beauty and a really tall handsome man), the larger sized pants (they house a still beautiful woman who has always been able to turn a mans head–even at a size 14 and higher), the decent paycheck that doesn’t seem decent enough (which is way more than she could ever imagine making at age 13, 20 or 35), the dirty older car (that is paid off and considered a luxury car, thousands of people would love to have her car), the lack of a college degree (she can take a class tomorrow and graduate on the Dean’s list in no time, guaranteed), not enough excitement (create it my dear, thus the reason for my 40 before 40 list–you are in charge of all of the excitement in your life, don’t pretend you have no control over this!), family isn’t around (they are—sister in law–10 minutes away, one of the funniest and caring people you have ever met in your life, so thankful to God she is here for you, Brother–umm, hello, 40 minute drive–just go make the time to be with him, sister in law–same, lovely, beautiful, sensitive and so, so special to me, little muffin niece Lucy—hello? Cuteness personified, your father/mother in law–amazing. Couldn’t have asked for better people to be in your life. They cheer you on when you aren’t even looking. They speak about things when they need to speak about them and pretend things are peachy keen when you need them to pretend. So wonderful. Cousins??!! Betsy/Dana and your Aunt Pat now. A little piece of Iowa here in the PacNW for you. A great reminder of all that you have in your life, hilarious and exciting people to spend time with. Go getters—life makers–fearlessness and pride. So yes–your parents are miles away and you wish the perfect dream of living in the same town with your parents was alive and well, but guess what? They are happy and that  is what matters. You have been allowed to grow up without them standing over your shoulder. They are a phone call away and a very short plane ride. They will always think of you as their baby, they will always be there at the drop of  hat. They are living life right along side you.You just don’t see it.

The bottom line. You aren’t 13 anymore, so let go of her.

She is the same person that you are today. You can talk to the same person and she will feel the same things. You can tell her how much you love her and are so proud of where she has landed. On her feet and full of life.

She is pretty gosh darn awesome. And even when you watch Miley Cyrus videos and wish you were 15 again so you could live like a free teen again, remember…you are a free adult and you make all the calls. You can still dress up in heels, too much makeup and go out with the girls. You can still daydream about the business you want to own. You can still have crushes on your dreamy husband and you can still watch stupid movies and laugh all night long with him. You can get the most amazing  hugs and kisses from the greatest thing you have produced. In his eyes, you are the love of his life.

So learn to look through his eyes. Feel proud of who you have become. Be glad that you can still write the ending to your own novel. Be excited that you can make any move at any time. You can do absolutely anything and you will continue to meet lovely people who will see the bright, sunshiny person that you have become.

Free writing at it’s best people. To remind myself that I am pretty gosh darn awesome.

 

Trying to remind myself

That I am beautiful. I don’t mean physically, well, sort of. I do mean it as well, but I try to remind myself everyday to always catch that glimmer in my eye and know that people out there love you. Be grateful for friends, family and life. I try to capture a photo a day of myself to be my daily reminder of being happy with all that I have been blessed with.

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40 Before 40

Hello to anyone who is still with me. I am here. Promise. I really need to be more diligent about writing. Even if no one is in fact reading, I need to commit to the writing portion so that my dreams of business ownership don’t die on me.

It’s easy to let those things go by the wayside. Life can get in the way. Or shall I say grown up stuff gets in the way. I have a job. It isn’t my dream job. But I am grateful nonetheless to have one. I am a creative person. I need to create things, to watch things come alive. To see them blossom. I am trying to be more “Sara” this year and  forward, so in focusing on being my true authentic self…I wrote out a list of things that I want to accomplish before I turn 40. Shhh, don’t talk about it. I am completely in denial that I am even close to this number, but hey–guess what? I am. It seems like yesterday I was turning 30. What happened to those years? Why did I do nothing important, sacred or meaningful with those years? It is totally true what women say that they were more in touch with themselves and confident at 30 over 20 and age 40 over 30. I am finding that to be more and more true as each day passes.

I no longer fret so much about what people think of me, and more of what I think of other people. I have removed toxic people from my life and allowed people that I find inspiring to fill it. I am getting better every day at identifying those toxic relationships before they flourish and putting a serious HOLD on them and that would never have happened in my 20′s.

Ok, so I should get back to my list. I am trying this whole free-writing angle now and again–if you read it awesome. If not, that’s fine too, since this is really more for me at this point than any of you out there. If it touches a nerve or shall I say a sweet spot, lovely. I hope I can help. That’s my true self. Helping people.

So, I would love to say that I feel comfortable broadcasting my list out into the inter-web, but I am not sure I do. There are a few things on there that I would like to leave to myself and/or my husband but then again, I am not really one to hide things. OK, fine. You convinced me. I am going to publish this for all to reach and hold me accountable for my list.

Here we go.

No judging.

No nasty comments.

Here it is folks.

  1. Fit comfortably into a size 12 or less—and STAY there
  2. Have another baby
  3. Take up Hot Yoga on a regular Mon-Fri basis
  4. Quit my Insurance Job
  5. Start my own business
  6. Travel to New Mexico
  7. Publish my book on “beauty/photography”
  8. Go on a Classic American Road Trip with Martin
  9. Take Pole dancing classes
  10. Go vegetarian for 30 days ***Update—6 days down….***
  11. Go to Italy
  12. Plan and have my “summit” event
  13. Visit Thailand
  14. Run a marathon
  15. Skydive
  16. Go to an actual Meditation class
  17. Go to the South—Georgia
  18. Read all of the books in my book shelf that I
    bought for myself to read
  19. Go on a mission trip
  20. Swim with a dolphin
  21. Kiss Martin behind a waterfall
  22. Read the Bible
  23. Watch the sunrise in a warm, peaceful place with
    Martin **technically we did this on our honeymoom several times–I think that counts!
  24. Learn to speak French again
  25. Take a Tantric Class with Martin
  26. Pay off Credit Cards
  27. Participate in a Cancer Fundraising walk—the
    walk part.
  28. Go to Paris with Martin
  29. Find Perfect shade of red lipstick
  30. Teach a class on meditation and self esteem
  31. Plan a girls only vacation
  32. Go on hot air balloon ride
  33. Feed the alligators a chicken
  34. Watch the sharks in a shark cage-exotic trip
    included in this one with Martin
  35. Redesign The Pear Mercantile
  36. Stop drinking Coke
  37. Ride the scooters in Palm Springs
  38. Drive/Ride in a dune buggy
  39. Have a family photo taken that I am in love with
  40. Learn Web design and graphic design
    principles/photo-shop/in-design