All posts by srbiz6z

About srbiz6z

30 something plus sized fashionista and beauty maven

Healing

My last post was heavy and incredibly necessary for me to unload-unburdenmyself with. It’s strange how for me when I crave writing I know it’s part of a bigger healing process that I should pay attention to. I felt lighter literally the day after writing it. Crying and writing…..better than Prozac.

And now for some inspiration.

Mid life crisis??!!

Mid life crisis

Hey all. What’s up? You good? Super.
Yes. I’ve been gone forever. So much to tell you. Too much to put in one post. I need to purge, I miss you guys, whoever you guys even are. I miss putting the real stuff out there. No cares, no worries, no filters, just real feelings, real life crap.

So where should I start? I’ll start from today. What in the hell am I doing you guys? If you are that person who had life figured out as a kid, career, superb self confidence, life goals….you should stop reading and never come back. I’ve wanted to do and be almost everything on the planet. Never really figured out how I would do anything, I just felt the right things would happen and compel me towards my true meaning in life. But as a 43, almost 44 year old I still have no idea what I’m doing.

I know that I am going to a therapist every Friday. I know I will wake up every day. But when does the joy lightbulb come on and reveals with this bright, rainbow filled light my life path? I told my therapist the other day that I’ve always used the, “someday I will do that” line and some days are getting fewer as I get OLDER.

I believe in signs. I believe in divine intervention. I believe everything happens for a greater reason. But I also believe that I’m getting older and feel like I’ve imprisoned myself in fear for 40 of those years. Fear of looking foolish, fear of being ugly, fear of being made fun of, fear of being stupid, fear of not doing it right (nay perfect) the first time, fear of not being anything brilliant or envied. I think envy is the wrong word. I want people to remember me. Remember what I’ve done for others, for them, for myself. I want people to say, “she was amazing. She was such a bright and sunshiny person in my life and I’m so thankful for being allowed to know her.”

I’m sitting in a high school parking lot crying. I need it. I started taking anti depressants about 2 years ago and it seems to suppress my overactive crying gland. ( that’s a thing right?) I find myself feeling guilty and ashamed of wanting or needing to cry. What a silly thing and horrible way to go about my days. I want to be strong for my kids and anyone out there who feels shittier than I do. Being sensitive seems to have left me embarrassed or ashamed of my super power, empathy. I wanted a type A personality. I didn’t get one.

Does anyone else feel tremendous shame daily? Every interaction? I can barely look my own husband in the eye anymore because I’m so ashamed of who I am and who I’ve let myself become. That’s a heavy statement, but so true and I’ve been dying to get it out. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. That’s all I feel. Does anyone know how to get rid of this? Like, can I take some   Vitamins, pills, under the tongue oils? Can’t this just go away on demand? Stop it. Get out of here shame. You aren’t welcome. And can we delve into the why? I mean why have I been ashamed of myself since a toddler? I do NOT want my kids to feel the same. I want to fix myself so I know how to fix my kids if they feel the same. My son is cut from my same cloth. Intensely sensitive, kind and tender hearted, empathetic and ready to explode when things get too intense. Pain is felt on new levels with this kid. My daughter on the other hand seems to be more like my husband. A single cell amoeba. Feelings? Sure, he has them, but he has complete control over them and never, ever, absolutely ever feels ashamed. We don’t speak each other’s languages. It’s hard, but I need him to be that way. It settles me a little to know what normal and healthy people are like mentally. I know we balance each other out, so strongly yin and yang.  But that’s why I’m here people. I can’t tell him how ashamed I am. How sorry I am that he is stuck with me. How I wish now than anything I was so incredibly beautiful, confident and intelligent and I wasn’t afraid of a thing. But I’m not those things and I don’t know how to become them.  I’m lost people. I just need someone to tell me what to do. How to fix it. How to be alive.

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my mind is in the gutter

So to fill all of you in on the past year of my life, in a nutshell I got pregnant, developed a life threatening blood clot, had to work from home for my official “real” job, became a little depressed with all of that mess going on and then finally gave birth in August to a ridiculously beautiful little girl. Oh and during that time I’ve had plenty of time to read like a champ.

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Jumping on the 50 Shades bandwagon, a friend introduced me to the Christina Lauren books. If you haven’t read any of them and you are looking for a sweet, sexy and romantic romp- try their Beautiful series or Wild Seasons. I personally fell in love with Max Stella in Beautiful Stranger and Finn in Dirty Rowdy Thing. What can I say? I apparently have a thing for British exhibitionists and for sure Fishermen.

 

 

Winter wardrobe updates–aka wide calf boots

So today I was doing my normal stuff, you know cleaning bottles, changing diapers, cleaning the mound of paper that seems to gather with a 5 year old and a newborn and I found a postcard from Ideel with an invitation to shop again for a nice incentive of $20 off my purchase. Now I am not one to jump right in and buy something just if I get a discount, etc.—oh who I am kidding. Yes I am.

I went to their site this morning figuring I would find something for either kid and call it good. But instead I was pleasantly surprised that they were not only offering discounted NARS makeup but also discounted wide calf boots. Oh and also the new line of clothing from Melissa McCarthy. Alright, I guess I will admit to the damage that was done.

After limiting my NARS purchases to just one $14 item, (that is nearly impossible for me people it really is) I went over to the Plus size section to see if they had anything that didn’t resemble something I would see when I trek into a senior center. I was pleasantly surprised that they were offering Melissa McCarthy’s items…but it was short lived and I was (and I absolutely hate to admit this) not lit up by anything of hers. The closest thing I fell in sort of like with were these hounds tooth leggings.

Melissa McCarthy Leggings

The rest of her stuff was super frumpy looking and baggy. I am all for covering up a little more than normal since that is what I typically do–but my word, everything was extremely oversized and I just know that they would do nothing for my shape. I would look like a sack of dirty, stinky, potatoes and then some. The leggings, pants and jeans were fine, but they all seemed cropped or oddly short. I like long pants Melissa! I like them to cover my ankle, not because I have a weird ankle phobia, but I like them to be as long as possible to give me a slimmer silhouette. For us gals with short and stumpy legs I like LONG pants. Please make me look super tall  dear pants and give me some hot and high shoes to go along with it. I like the illusion of long legs to go along with those LONG pants. This trick has made most people call me “tall” my whole life. Nope. Not really. Even if my drivers license claims I am 5’8…my Dr’s office would tell you I am bold face liar. Shh. Don’t tell.

Back to the website search. I am always on the look out for cute wide calf boots. Most boots claim to be wide calf and only have a 13-14 inch circumference. Uh, ya, that won’t work for most gals wanting wide calf boots. Give us 16-21 inch circumference and we are happy. But please don’t make the boots look ugly, gaudy or covered in weird buckles to somehow make the boots look less bulky. I found these today which have a 16 inch circumference and for extra wide come in 18 inch for the size I need.Wide Calf Boots

Depending on your shoe size, this does go up. They are sleek, clean and basic. Just what I want to go with absolutely everything. Leggings, dresses, skirts–oh now I can get some Melissa McCarthy pants since the boots will cover up how short the pants are. No ankle showing for me!

And now to disappoint you all, that was all that I bought. Boots and some Nars makeup. I was too chicken to buy the leggings since they looked too short, and we certainly know by now how I feel about short pants. BUT–if I were going to shop to my hearts contents, I would put these items into my shopping bag:

This Jumpsuit for $34.99? Huh? Adorable!

This Dress if I were going out for a special evening. (wait what is that…I have a newborn)
Fancy Dress
This dress if I liked short things and wanted to look sassy and grab a drink with the girls
dress
These jeans which come in blue and black. Oh I guess I will take both.jeans
And the last thing—is this sweater. I LOVE this.
sweater

 

Do you see any sort of pattern here? If you haven’t learned by now, I tend to lean towards black in fashion.  I always have and always will. You can’t go wrong and it will almost never go out of style this way. It’s classic. I like to tell myself it’s the French way. Oh La la. Back to diapers. Enjoy shopping!

Spring is here

My house is super quiet. My husband is taking a nap and the toddler who reluctantly went into his room, somehow found his way under his covers and is fast asleep. I tried to nap as well, but I am a bad napper. Always have been. My mind can’t seem to calm down enough to do so. Too many to do lists going on in that head of mine and I need to think about that stuff. After 20 minutes of trying to sleep, I got up and took the most awesome shower ever. It’s a great feeling when you know you can have the bathroom all to yourself for 30 minutes. No barging in, no asking me when I will be out, no peeking in the shower to see what I’m up to…just solitude. And I love taking a shower. Actually my idea of heaven is a sunny bathtub. If I could just find a house that had a big beautiful bathtub right next to a sunny window, I would be one happy gal.

We are in the process of selling our house. It’s the beginning stages, but we are figuring out what we want to clean up, fix up or forget about to get top dollar. There isn’t much to do, small cosmetic touches at this point, to get the house ready. It’s just getting it ready that is the hard part. I am having some conflicting feelings about selling. This is our first home. We have lived here for 13 years. We put so much love, sweat and tears into this house, especially in the garden (my favorite) that I go back and forth about selling. I want someone to love the garden as much as I do, I want someone to take good care of my peonies and roses and all of the little cottage touches we so lovingly added over the 13  years. I told my husband that if/when we sell, I can’t go back and ever look at the house. I will most likely cry. I don’t want them changing the paint color (charcoal gray) or the funky door (persimmon)—there is a whole other door story here.

OK, fine SIDE NOTE: 4 years ago I was feeling VERY depressed about never having a child and my husband was trying his best to uplift me every chance he got. We decided to give our front door a new look, so I picked out Orange, no Persimmon, at least that is what the color swatch said, and hoped that painting the door and adding some new flowers outside would make me feel a little bit of brightness. He took the door off the hinges, got me all settled on some saw horses and brought me every tool I would need to strip the door of it’s ugly burgundy color. I get a little methodical and nit-picky when I do projects, so stripping this door was a b*tch to say the least. The prior owners (since 1962) had painted this door every color under the sun. Stripping, sanding and scraping was pissing me off and I let everyone in the neighborhood know about it. After finishing one side of the door, I decided that the other side looked sort of cool how it was worn away and sanded and wanted to keep it as is. It was the interior portion anyway, so in my mind it was a conversation piece and I am not into typical or traditional–so it stayed. The exterior was scraped and painted and looks awesome. During this whole time my poor husband left me alone. I was not fun to be around. Pissy was my middle name and I didn’t care who got to see it. My poor neighbor/friend came over to see if I was OK (I think my husband might have asked for a pity check in with me) and I burst into tears. I was angry, livid really—hot, my cheeks were on fire and more angry. No explanation for all of this anger, but she understood since she had issues with her girl parts and we had spent hours commiserating over feeling like less than women since we couldn’t bear children. We chatted for hours that day, she from the safety of the opposite side of the fence, and me with paint brush in hand. I cried for hours, she listened. The sun was shining and it was absolutely beautiful outside. I remember questioning myself–why in the world could I be so pissed off when it is so absolutely beautiful outside and my life is so good. Oh right, I can’t give my amazing husband a baby.

Well…the pissiness never went away. In fact, extreme exhaustion was added to it and nausea. The notion of being pregnant never entered my mind. I had taken 400 pregnancy tests in the past 10 years and not once had they been positive so why would it be now? I took one. It was positive. I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop shaking. I ran to the phone and called my husband and he told me to take a picture and email him right then and there. I did. Then he told me to take another picture, just to be sure. And on top of that–he wanted me to take another test to make sure. I did. It was positive.

That was the weirdest day of my life. For being so angry all the time, I finally felt some happiness. Such a bizarre feeling. Your body being controlled by someone else, all of your emotions, your ability to keep your eyes open, your appetite…such a weird feeling. I would love to say I will know that feeling again some day, but I am no spring chicken and our perfect boy is a miracle. I would love a little girl for him to watch over, but time is not on my side and my body is a difficult one to get pregnant. The only thing I can do is move on, make the right decisions for my body, be healthy and love myself and family as much as possible. I am trying to do that daily.

So I suppose right now while it’s quiet I am doing the best thing I can with myself, spending time alone and sharing some of the most important parts of myself with you-whomever you may be.

 

Long time no see

Hey everyone. Yes..I am still here. I am still living and loving the plus size life. It just so happens that I have been working hard behind the scenes to go in the right direction to make this a full time gig. Building up contacts, saving up some money and deciding just when to make things happen. I am still not sure when that will happen, but I am closer and feeling like I have serious ants in my pants (and I need to dance).

Thank you to all or any who have continued to come back here waiting for an update. It’s much appreciated and trust me, I hope that you can continue to stick around. I want to dazzle you, I really do.

So what is new in my world? Well, I have a very busy 3 year old who is keeping me on my toes and I love every second of it. I would love to spend more time with him, but that’s not in the cards at this point in my life. Money dictates much for me, so working at my primary job to pay the bills and save up money it is until I have either a winning lottery ticket, a lot of money inherited, a really big raise or I just don’t care anymore and we live on rice and beans (hey it’s gluten free) for a few years.

Speaking of gluten free–I am doing something scary. Doing a 28 day elimination diet/cleanse. This one is going to help me restart my system and hopefully clear out any cobwebs. I have been wanting to do this for several years, but I didn’t know what a cleanse even entailed nor did I understand that cleansing isn’t really just about drinking juice and kale for 28 days (massive diarrhea). I have been reading all of the literature I received and I meet up with the nutritionist next week to sit down with my list of ailments to figure out if anything is a red flag right up front. I am always trying to be healthier and losing weight–yes–losing weight people. I can’t tell you that I am at my ideal weight, which is in all honesty around 165 pounds. I am just shy of 5’8 (don’t tell my drivers license that) and I know that in all of those science or health books (books? who reads those anymore–I mean websites) I should probably weigh like 130 pounds or less, but it won’t happen folks. It really won’t. For one thing, I don’t know how to consider myself “thin”. For second, I like curves. I really, truly do. I like being a curvy, sensual woman. I also love throwing the medias idea of beauty on it’s ear and proving that a woman with wide thighs, curvy hips, extra padding in the tummy and large breasts is not only desirable, but extremely beautiful. I am not tooting my own horn here, I am just saying that this is what I find desirable about myself. When I weighed 145 pounds (and thought I was grossly obese) I felt so unattractive and certainly not sensual or desirable. When I gained 25 pounds I started to notice men more, their stares, their second glances. I really began to understand how to carry myself, dress my body, accentuate all of my positives and learn to flaunt what God and my Momma gave me. I learned that not all men (or women) are attracted to the same “perfect” size 2 body type in all of those magazines and that confidence was often found in women who were size 12 or higher and those girls (models) that are a size 0-2 are normally the worst offenders of body shame. We all have a body part we dislike and the faster we learn to love that part the faster we are to shining from inside out.

Last year I spent most of that time working with a beautiful woman who taught me to see the amazingly bright, bold, sunshiny light within instead of the flaws in the distorted mirror in my mind. I learned to meditate, I learned to love, I learned to live. I cried a lot, I fell in love with her daily and found a very deep hole inside of myself that needed to be healed. I knew I couldn’t heal that hole with a diet. I knew I couldn’t heal that hole with someone else loving me. I had to figure out why the hole was there in the first place and just fill that hole every single night with beautiful, calming, light filled love. And trust me, I am not a hippie. I am not a fan of granola, patchouli or hugging trees. I just had to find something, anything to make me ‘happy’. Losing weight was not going to make me happy. Losing weight will make me proud. Proud that I got myself back to the weight where I feel most sexy and healthy. That is it. I don’t need to wear a bikini and appear flawless in a mirror. It won’t happen. Childbirth and years of abusing my own body have left me scarred and misshapen–but that’s OK. It really is. Perfection is not looking like a Barbie Doll. I still have to remind myself that absolutely no one on this planet looks like one. Even if I did find one woman who did (in my own mind) she would quickly show me a “flaw”.

So this year– 2013 is to showing off my big beautiful sunshiny light. I want my son to see how beautiful his mother is, how confident she is, how she holds her head high, laughs a lot and loves even bigger. I am cleansing to be healthy. I am cleansing to make myself more aware of what I am feeding my beautiful body with. I am cleansing to feel alive. To feel pleasure when I eat, to feel freedom from dieting. I am cleansing so that my body tells me what it needs and I actively listen to it. I am cleansing to clear my head and my heart. I am cleansing to live.

So–thank you all for reading and feeling whatever words I put on this page. I need to put this out there into the world so that everyone knows and understands just how important it is to be absolutely proud and in love with yourself. I am trying every day. It’s time to live life with love. Bright sunshiny love.

Ugh

Oh man what a week. No desire to work, workout or eat well. This happens to me every few months and I ponder taking medication to help with the ever do needed “pick me up”. I try everything except antidepressants and now I wonder if I should dive in instead of fumbling through these really dark and murky waters. Ugh. I am so over this. I have been struggling with depression and ridiculously unrealistic expectations of myself since I was 11. Where in the world does this come from? How is this learned? Is it purely chemical? So lost people…I really am.

Please go buy this

For those of you that know me well, I am what you would refer to as beauty junkie. I covet new beauty products like a crazy person. I also obsess about skin care items and the next best thing to make myself look 13, uh I mean 25 versus the 37 year old lady I have become.
Some might say I don’t really look 37, whatever 37 looks like…or some might just say that I have nice skin and few wrinkles. Genetics? Probably, but I also inherited a nice case of Rosacia. My skin looks like I was caught climbing to Mt Everest and back without any cheek protection when I am sans fards (aka makeup free). I lit up like a red light district light bulb when I was embarrassed in school as a kid, no keeping my cool…it was written all over my face, so to speak.
Over the years I have tried everything to get rid of it, gobs of La Mer, Dermatologist prescription creams and any new product out there that claimed to help. I didn’t care how much I had to spend as long as I could go concealer free in public and look age appropriate. I finally caved and bought the Clarisonic Mia, and not because I had faith that this would finally be the answer to my skin care cries, but that it was cute and pretty skinned people were telling me I needed one pronto. So I did it. I have used it for over a year now and my skin is significantly softer, less breakouts, less obvious fine lines and yes, less redness.
The bottom line of this post? Go buy it. And yes…I am not afraid to admit that I watch infomercials at night. I was watching QVC last night and I found this gem of a deal. Now, mind you I already have a Mia, so I don’t need another one, and yes I have tried with all my might to convince myself to buy the Clarisonic Plus so that I can make my body look awesome too…but I just can’t justify it and I don’t need it. But maybe you do?
Go buy it and believe the raves. Give it some time, but trust me…you will see a difference. If you want to bump up the awesomeness factor of redness removal then buy this face cream: Pomega Healing Cream. I don’t think I will ever use another face cream again as long as this keeps doing the trick.
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