Category Archives: Sara’s Stuff

my mind is in the gutter

So to fill all of you in on the past year of my life, in a nutshell I got pregnant, developed a life threatening blood clot, had to work from home for my official “real” job, became a little depressed with all of that mess going on and then finally gave birth in August to a ridiculously beautiful little girl. Oh and during that time I’ve had plenty of time to read like a champ.

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Jumping on the 50 Shades bandwagon, a friend introduced me to the Christina Lauren books. If you haven’t read any of them and you are looking for a sweet, sexy and romantic romp- try their Beautiful series or Wild Seasons. I personally fell in love with Max Stella in Beautiful Stranger and Finn in Dirty Rowdy Thing. What can I say? I apparently have a thing for British exhibitionists and for sure Fishermen.

 

 

Spring is here

My house is super quiet. My husband is taking a nap and the toddler who reluctantly went into his room, somehow found his way under his covers and is fast asleep. I tried to nap as well, but I am a bad napper. Always have been. My mind can’t seem to calm down enough to do so. Too many to do lists going on in that head of mine and I need to think about that stuff. After 20 minutes of trying to sleep, I got up and took the most awesome shower ever. It’s a great feeling when you know you can have the bathroom all to yourself for 30 minutes. No barging in, no asking me when I will be out, no peeking in the shower to see what I’m up to…just solitude. And I love taking a shower. Actually my idea of heaven is a sunny bathtub. If I could just find a house that had a big beautiful bathtub right next to a sunny window, I would be one happy gal.

We are in the process of selling our house. It’s the beginning stages, but we are figuring out what we want to clean up, fix up or forget about to get top dollar. There isn’t much to do, small cosmetic touches at this point, to get the house ready. It’s just getting it ready that is the hard part. I am having some conflicting feelings about selling. This is our first home. We have lived here for 13 years. We put so much love, sweat and tears into this house, especially in the garden (my favorite) that I go back and forth about selling. I want someone to love the garden as much as I do, I want someone to take good care of my peonies and roses and all of the little cottage touches we so lovingly added over the 13  years. I told my husband that if/when we sell, I can’t go back and ever look at the house. I will most likely cry. I don’t want them changing the paint color (charcoal gray) or the funky door (persimmon)—there is a whole other door story here.

OK, fine SIDE NOTE: 4 years ago I was feeling VERY depressed about never having a child and my husband was trying his best to uplift me every chance he got. We decided to give our front door a new look, so I picked out Orange, no Persimmon, at least that is what the color swatch said, and hoped that painting the door and adding some new flowers outside would make me feel a little bit of brightness. He took the door off the hinges, got me all settled on some saw horses and brought me every tool I would need to strip the door of it’s ugly burgundy color. I get a little methodical and nit-picky when I do projects, so stripping this door was a b*tch to say the least. The prior owners (since 1962) had painted this door every color under the sun. Stripping, sanding and scraping was pissing me off and I let everyone in the neighborhood know about it. After finishing one side of the door, I decided that the other side looked sort of cool how it was worn away and sanded and wanted to keep it as is. It was the interior portion anyway, so in my mind it was a conversation piece and I am not into typical or traditional–so it stayed. The exterior was scraped and painted and looks awesome. During this whole time my poor husband left me alone. I was not fun to be around. Pissy was my middle name and I didn’t care who got to see it. My poor neighbor/friend came over to see if I was OK (I think my husband might have asked for a pity check in with me) and I burst into tears. I was angry, livid really—hot, my cheeks were on fire and more angry. No explanation for all of this anger, but she understood since she had issues with her girl parts and we had spent hours commiserating over feeling like less than women since we couldn’t bear children. We chatted for hours that day, she from the safety of the opposite side of the fence, and me with paint brush in hand. I cried for hours, she listened. The sun was shining and it was absolutely beautiful outside. I remember questioning myself–why in the world could I be so pissed off when it is so absolutely beautiful outside and my life is so good. Oh right, I can’t give my amazing husband a baby.

Well…the pissiness never went away. In fact, extreme exhaustion was added to it and nausea. The notion of being pregnant never entered my mind. I had taken 400 pregnancy tests in the past 10 years and not once had they been positive so why would it be now? I took one. It was positive. I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop shaking. I ran to the phone and called my husband and he told me to take a picture and email him right then and there. I did. Then he told me to take another picture, just to be sure. And on top of that–he wanted me to take another test to make sure. I did. It was positive.

That was the weirdest day of my life. For being so angry all the time, I finally felt some happiness. Such a bizarre feeling. Your body being controlled by someone else, all of your emotions, your ability to keep your eyes open, your appetite…such a weird feeling. I would love to say I will know that feeling again some day, but I am no spring chicken and our perfect boy is a miracle. I would love a little girl for him to watch over, but time is not on my side and my body is a difficult one to get pregnant. The only thing I can do is move on, make the right decisions for my body, be healthy and love myself and family as much as possible. I am trying to do that daily.

So I suppose right now while it’s quiet I am doing the best thing I can with myself, spending time alone and sharing some of the most important parts of myself with you-whomever you may be.

 

40 Before 40

Hello to anyone who is still with me. I am here. Promise. I really need to be more diligent about writing. Even if no one is in fact reading, I need to commit to the writing portion so that my dreams of business ownership don’t die on me.

It’s easy to let those things go by the wayside. Life can get in the way. Or shall I say grown up stuff gets in the way. I have a job. It isn’t my dream job. But I am grateful nonetheless to have one. I am a creative person. I need to create things, to watch things come alive. To see them blossom. I am trying to be more “Sara” this year and  forward, so in focusing on being my true authentic self…I wrote out a list of things that I want to accomplish before I turn 40. Shhh, don’t talk about it. I am completely in denial that I am even close to this number, but hey–guess what? I am. It seems like yesterday I was turning 30. What happened to those years? Why did I do nothing important, sacred or meaningful with those years? It is totally true what women say that they were more in touch with themselves and confident at 30 over 20 and age 40 over 30. I am finding that to be more and more true as each day passes.

I no longer fret so much about what people think of me, and more of what I think of other people. I have removed toxic people from my life and allowed people that I find inspiring to fill it. I am getting better every day at identifying those toxic relationships before they flourish and putting a serious HOLD on them and that would never have happened in my 20’s.

Ok, so I should get back to my list. I am trying this whole free-writing angle now and again–if you read it awesome. If not, that’s fine too, since this is really more for me at this point than any of you out there. If it touches a nerve or shall I say a sweet spot, lovely. I hope I can help. That’s my true self. Helping people.

So, I would love to say that I feel comfortable broadcasting my list out into the inter-web, but I am not sure I do. There are a few things on there that I would like to leave to myself and/or my husband but then again, I am not really one to hide things. OK, fine. You convinced me. I am going to publish this for all to reach and hold me accountable for my list.

Here we go.

No judging.

No nasty comments.

Here it is folks.

  1. Fit comfortably into a size 12 or less—and STAY there
  2. Have another baby
  3. Take up Hot Yoga on a regular Mon-Fri basis
  4. Quit my Insurance Job
  5. Start my own business
  6. Travel to New Mexico
  7. Publish my book on “beauty/photography”
  8. Go on a Classic American Road Trip with Martin
  9. Take Pole dancing classes
  10. Go vegetarian for 30 days ***Update—6 days down….***
  11. Go to Italy
  12. Plan and have my “summit” event
  13. Visit Thailand
  14. Run a marathon
  15. Skydive
  16. Go to an actual Meditation class
  17. Go to the South—Georgia
  18. Read all of the books in my book shelf that I
    bought for myself to read
  19. Go on a mission trip
  20. Swim with a dolphin
  21. Kiss Martin behind a waterfall
  22. Read the Bible
  23. Watch the sunrise in a warm, peaceful place with
    Martin **technically we did this on our honeymoom several times–I think that counts!
  24. Learn to speak French again
  25. Take a Tantric Class with Martin
  26. Pay off Credit Cards
  27. Participate in a Cancer Fundraising walk—the
    walk part.
  28. Go to Paris with Martin
  29. Find Perfect shade of red lipstick
  30. Teach a class on meditation and self esteem
  31. Plan a girls only vacation
  32. Go on hot air balloon ride
  33. Feed the alligators a chicken
  34. Watch the sharks in a shark cage-exotic trip
    included in this one with Martin
  35. Redesign The Pear Mercantile
  36. Stop drinking Coke
  37. Ride the scooters in Palm Springs
  38. Drive/Ride in a dune buggy
  39. Have a family photo taken that I am in love with
  40. Learn Web design and graphic design
    principles/photo-shop/in-design

 

 

warning

It is amazing what type of awful junk you can find on the Internet and even more amazing the empowering things that are surfacing. I recently found this site and have been exploring it daily. I am not a super model, I don’t intend on ever being one (to dream) but it is nice to have a place that is purely about loving who you are as a person in this shell of a body instead of focusing on the outward appearance only.

I have been trying to turn my focus on this over the years and this blog is one small step in doing so. I love trying to help other women feel better about themselves and I am the biggest fan of the makeover. But why is it that we focus so much on making the outside pretty? When really all we need to do is know we are pretty, solidly believe we are pretty and live as today is our last? I might be a little soap boxish here–but really?? why in the world do I and everyone else spend so much time obsessing over the exterior shell? We all have one. We are all different. And we are all beautiful. Period. End of story. So who out there dictates why we are or aren’t beautiful? And why do we follow or believe what other people tell us? Why and when does this start? Why would I NOT feel beautiful?

I don’t understand it. It is the most puzzling thing to me. When do we NOT feel beautiful? I have a son, I tell him constantly how much I love him and how amazing he is. He has no concept of beauty or who is worthy of love over another. So when will he learn this? Will I teach it to him without knowing I am? I don’t want to be that person who teaches him that someone is more beautiful over another, but I am sure that bias seeps down from somewhere–from layers and layers of learned behaviour. I myself follow it constantly. I want to stop. I am trying to stop. I am trying to start with myself. I need to set an example for  my child. I need to set an example for myself.

Enough soap box talk.

The bottom line is this, I want to feel beautiful, honestly, sincerely, deep, intense, amazingly strong knowledge of how beautiful I am. I don’t mean this as the shell of my body. I mean as a person-shell and all.

So how do I do this?

Photo from healthyisthenewskinny.com

 

OMG!

I just wrote this super long post about motivation and how much I suck at it…I am so irritated. I suppose my whining was not meant to reach out to the internet. So in it’s place I will leave you with this recipe that I made today. UGH!!! My thoughtful words have disappeared…but here is a Warm Pear and Hazelnut Tea Bread recipe to try out.

 

 

 

 

Way before her time

Two reasons why I am posting this video.
1. My son is obsessed with it and dances all over the house when I play it.
2. I remember thinking how the cheerleaders were "fat" when I was younger. Now that I see it again, the cheerleaders were strong and I guess one would consider overweight--but they still know how to move it and work it like the skinny girls.
That Toni Basil was way before her time. I am pretty sure it was a hot topic in the 80's and now I applaud her.

Happy New Year!

To all my friends, family and followers–My wish to all of you is the most amazing of new years. The resolution list has been in the works for a few weeks now, so today I need to put it into place. I’m sure all of you have some sort of resolution, I am sending happy thoughts and motivation your way. Good grief, I need some myself, so please send the same in return.
My posting has been splotchy, and I intend to work on that. (Resolution #1). I also intend to get myself back into the gym on a regular basis, to make me work towards my big goal I have just signed up for the Breast Cancer 3-day walk in September. I signed up a few years back, but didn’t end up walking since I didn’t have my walking buddy with me and didn’t raise enough funds. No excuses this year, walking buddy or not, I need to do it. (Resolution #2).
Prior to having a baby I was in pretty good shape and going to the gym was a constant for me–I ate really well, lost 64 pounds and well, let’s just say felt GREAT! Having a baby *surprise* has changed my personal food intake and exercise routine dramatically, so I need to get cracking on that once more. I intend to lose more weight and be back in a size 10 by July 19, 2011 (my birthday for all of you who want to send me a fluffy little card). If I declare it here–doesn’t that mean I will in fact do this? Sure. Whatever it takes right? (Resolution #3).
My husband and I were just talking about doing good deeds for people. We tend to do things sporadically, but I really want to help those that are less fortunate. That sounds so lame when you read it, but I really honestly do. We want to be better about giving to others. I thought that I might look into a Meals on Wheels gig or something where I will be able to share some of my culinary talents with others who will really appreciate them and enjoy what is being given to them. Since I need to stick with Resolution #3, but I don’t want to give up on my love for baking and cooking–thus the brilliant idea to help others while I enjoy baking/cooking something I shouldn’t be eating. Give it to someone else. (Resolution #4).
And there are several other resolutions that don’t really need to be posted here on the blog–silly little things, but for the most part, things that will help me to my next biggest goal…starting my own business. Yep, this blog has been my jumping off point and I have been slow on the intake, but I promise all of you, I will put a little heat under my backside, work faster on this and get things moving forward. (Resolution #5) Unless of course I get to Resolution #6 quicker than I expected to…(baby #2 hopefully a girl). We will see how 2011 turns out.
I am keeping my fingers and toes crossed for all of you out there-sending out strength, love and anything else you may need to move forward.
Enjoy this beautiful ride all. I know I will.

Oh—and remember—two quotes to get you fired up:
This is my most favorite quote ever!

It is never too late to be what you might have been.

And this one never gets old…it becomes my mantra often when I am finding myself in a difficult spot. I don’t need to point out that this is the AA quote and no I have never been to AA, but I memorized this years ago to help understand what some special people were going through.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.