Long time no see

Hey everyone. Yes..I am still here. I am still living and loving the plus size life. It just so happens that I have been working hard behind the scenes to go in the right direction to make this a full time gig. Building up contacts, saving up some money and deciding just when to make things happen. I am still not sure when that will happen, but I am closer and feeling like I have serious ants in my pants (and I need to dance).

Thank you to all or any who have continued to come back here waiting for an update. It’s much appreciated and trust me, I hope that you can continue to stick around. I want to dazzle you, I really do.

So what is new in my world? Well, I have a very busy 3 year old who is keeping me on my toes and I love every second of it. I would love to spend more time with him, but that’s not in the cards at this point in my life. Money dictates much for me, so working at my primary job to pay the bills and save up money it is until I have either a winning lottery ticket, a lot of money inherited, a really big raise or I just don’t care anymore and we live on rice and beans (hey it’s gluten free) for a few years.

Speaking of gluten free–I am doing something scary. Doing a 28 day elimination diet/cleanse. This one is going to help me restart my system and hopefully clear out any cobwebs. I have been wanting to do this for several years, but I didn’t know what a cleanse even entailed nor did I understand that cleansing isn’t really just about drinking juice and kale for 28 days (massive diarrhea). I have been reading all of the literature I received and I meet up with the nutritionist next week to sit down with my list of ailments to figure out if anything is a red flag right up front. I am always trying to be healthier and losing weight–yes–losing weight people. I can’t tell you that I am at my ideal weight, which is in all honesty around 165 pounds. I am just shy of 5’8 (don’t tell my drivers license that) and I know that in all of those science or health books (books? who reads those anymore–I mean websites) I should probably weigh like 130 pounds or less, but it won’t happen folks. It really won’t. For one thing, I don’t know how to consider myself “thin”. For second, I like curves. I really, truly do. I like being a curvy, sensual woman. I also love throwing the medias idea of beauty on it’s ear and proving that a woman with wide thighs, curvy hips, extra padding in the tummy and large breasts is not only desirable, but extremely beautiful. I am not tooting my own horn here, I am just saying that this is what I find desirable about myself. When I weighed 145 pounds (and thought I was grossly obese) I felt so unattractive and certainly not sensual or desirable. When I gained 25 pounds I started to notice men more, their stares, their second glances. I really began to understand how to carry myself, dress my body, accentuate all of my positives and learn to flaunt what God and my Momma gave me. I learned that not all men (or women) are attracted to the same “perfect” size 2 body type in all of those magazines and that confidence was often found in women who were size 12 or higher and those girls (models) that are a size 0-2 are normally the worst offenders of body shame. We all have a body part we dislike and the faster we learn to love that part the faster we are to shining from inside out.

Last year I spent most of that time working with a beautiful woman who taught me to see the amazingly bright, bold, sunshiny light within instead of the flaws in the distorted mirror in my mind. I learned to meditate, I learned to love, I learned to live. I cried a lot, I fell in love with her daily and found a very deep hole inside of myself that needed to be healed. I knew I couldn’t heal that hole with a diet. I knew I couldn’t heal that hole with someone else loving me. I had to figure out why the hole was there in the first place and just fill that hole every single night with beautiful, calming, light filled love. And trust me, I am not a hippie. I am not a fan of granola, patchouli or hugging trees. I just had to find something, anything to make me ‘happy’. Losing weight was not going to make me happy. Losing weight will make me proud. Proud that I got myself back to the weight where I feel most sexy and healthy. That is it. I don’t need to wear a bikini and appear flawless in a mirror. It won’t happen. Childbirth and years of abusing my own body have left me scarred and misshapen–but that’s OK. It really is. Perfection is not looking like a Barbie Doll. I still have to remind myself that absolutely no one on this planet looks like one. Even if I did find one woman who did (in my own mind) she would quickly show me a “flaw”.

So this year– 2013 is to showing off my big beautiful sunshiny light. I want my son to see how beautiful his mother is, how confident she is, how she holds her head high, laughs a lot and loves even bigger. I am cleansing to be healthy. I am cleansing to make myself more aware of what I am feeding my beautiful body with. I am cleansing to feel alive. To feel pleasure when I eat, to feel freedom from dieting. I am cleansing so that my body tells me what it needs and I actively listen to it. I am cleansing to clear my head and my heart. I am cleansing to live.

So–thank you all for reading and feeling whatever words I put on this page. I need to put this out there into the world so that everyone knows and understands just how important it is to be absolutely proud and in love with yourself. I am trying every day. It’s time to live life with love. Bright sunshiny love.

One thought on “Long time no see

  1. Amen!! Thank you for opening up and sharing with us. We’re all lifting you up, sister! Love you!! :)

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