Mid life crisis
Hey all. What’s up? You good? Super.
Yes. I’ve been gone forever. So much to tell you. Too much to put in one post. I need to purge, I miss you guys, whoever you guys even are. I miss putting the real stuff out there. No cares, no worries, no filters, just real feelings, real life crap.
So where should I start? I’ll start from today. What in the hell am I doing you guys? If you are that person who had life figured out as a kid, career, superb self confidence, life goals….you should stop reading and never come back. I’ve wanted to do and be almost everything on the planet. Never really figured out how I would do anything, I just felt the right things would happen and compel me towards my true meaning in life. But as a 43, almost 44 year old I still have no idea what I’m doing.
I know that I am going to a therapist every Friday. I know I will wake up every day. But when does the joy lightbulb come on and reveals with this bright, rainbow filled light my life path? I told my therapist the other day that I’ve always used the, “someday I will do that” line and some days are getting fewer as I get OLDER.
I believe in signs. I believe in divine intervention. I believe everything happens for a greater reason. But I also believe that I’m getting older and feel like I’ve imprisoned myself in fear for 40 of those years. Fear of looking foolish, fear of being ugly, fear of being made fun of, fear of being stupid, fear of not doing it right (nay perfect) the first time, fear of not being anything brilliant or envied. I think envy is the wrong word. I want people to remember me. Remember what I’ve done for others, for them, for myself. I want people to say, “she was amazing. She was such a bright and sunshiny person in my life and I’m so thankful for being allowed to know her.”
I’m sitting in a high school parking lot crying. I need it. I started taking anti depressants about 2 years ago and it seems to suppress my overactive crying gland. ( that’s a thing right?) I find myself feeling guilty and ashamed of wanting or needing to cry. What a silly thing and horrible way to go about my days. I want to be strong for my kids and anyone out there who feels shittier than I do. Being sensitive seems to have left me embarrassed or ashamed of my super power, empathy. I wanted a type A personality. I didn’t get one.
Does anyone else feel tremendous shame daily? Every interaction? I can barely look my own husband in the eye anymore because I’m so ashamed of who I am and who I’ve let myself become. That’s a heavy statement, but so true and I’ve been dying to get it out. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. That’s all I feel. Does anyone know how to get rid of this? Like, can I take some Vitamins, pills, under the tongue oils? Can’t this just go away on demand? Stop it. Get out of here shame. You aren’t welcome. And can we delve into the why? I mean why have I been ashamed of myself since a toddler? I do NOT want my kids to feel the same. I want to fix myself so I know how to fix my kids if they feel the same. My son is cut from my same cloth. Intensely sensitive, kind and tender hearted, empathetic and ready to explode when things get too intense. Pain is felt on new levels with this kid. My daughter on the other hand seems to be more like my husband. A single cell amoeba. Feelings? Sure, he has them, but he has complete control over them and never, ever, absolutely ever feels ashamed. We don’t speak each other’s languages. It’s hard, but I need him to be that way. It settles me a little to know what normal and healthy people are like mentally. I know we balance each other out, so strongly yin and yang. But that’s why I’m here people. I can’t tell him how ashamed I am. How sorry I am that he is stuck with me. How I wish now than anything I was so incredibly beautiful, confident and intelligent and I wasn’t afraid of a thing. But I’m not those things and I don’t know how to become them. I’m lost people. I just need someone to tell me what to do. How to fix it. How to be alive.